Being the "cool girl" for you

By Melody J., 21

Credit: Pinterest

I tried to be cool for you not because you forced me to. I think I came to you with the notion that I had to earn you. I wasn’t the prettiest, nor the smartest. At parties, I sat on the couch by myself, after trying to hopelessly enter myself into conversations and selfies. When I enter the room, I don’t have some astronomical influence on everyone else in the room, and that made me insecure.

I couldn’t believe that someone, especially someone like you, would look at me. It was my second relationship, and I felt somewhat used. My first one had ended in a dumpster fire (he had cheated on me, surprise, surprise), and that had taken a toll on my confidence. Especially after days of Instagram stalking and an obsession with the girl who he cheated on me with. But I didn’t want to admit that to you. So I tried: I developed that “I don’t care” air when we went on our first few dates.

I was cool about your ex girlfriends, I was cool about your comments that I felt uncomfortable with. In truth, I blame you, but I also blame myself. You didn’t force my hand- I came already like it, but I just couldn’t hear someone tell me I was “too sensitive”, or “too dramatic” again. There was no definite reason for you to stay with me, like people tell their friends: “She’s not the prettiest, but she’s really funny”. “She doesn’t have XYZ, but she does have ABC”. I felt like I had none of it. I was average, and I hated myself for it.

So no, I’m not cool at all. I think about things way too much. I’m calculated, but I can’t seem to get enough. I'm not a white girl with perfect hair and blue eyes. No, I don't play soccer. No, I can't play with the guitar. I'm not super spontaneous because I think a lot more than I should be. I say I miss you, and I might, but I’m unsure if these feelings just mean that I want a do over. One where I don’t play the “cool girl”.